Week 8: Sprezzatura 600 words

[murielle]

LJ IDOL PRESENTS: LITERARY PRIZE FIGHT
Week 8: SPREZZATURA



RUMINATIONS



It’s not easy. It should be, she thinks, but it isn’t. It’s harder.

At this stage of her life, she believes she knows herself and there’s not much left to explore or experiment with, the way it was when she was younger, when every endeavor every relationship seemed exciting, an adventure. Throwing caution to the wind was par for the course. She had a strong network of friends and family to offer support, advice, or even criticism, buoying flagging confidence or a wounded ego, and infusing the deflated heart with hope and resolve.

But while she’s lived and loved dangerously before, now she is the definition of restraint. She keeps her cards internal. Close to the vest might as well be on one’s sleeve. She tells no one. She barely acknowledges it to herself. It hangs like a ghost in the hallway of her heart. She passes it, sees it without ever looking at it.

It is not examined. Little random acts of intimacy, or possible intimacies, are abandoned, left awash, bobbing on empty seas, ignored. And even if she holds some tiny treasure to her breast for the briefest instant before flinging it from her she doesn’t memorize it or challenge it or deconstruct it. There is no searching for clues of hidden significance or lasting meaning.

It is not indulged. Not like before, when thoughts and fantasies kept her awake at night or interrupted her day; random and welcome intruders. When words or looks flicker across her consciousness, she brushes them away, pushing them to the back of her mind, forgotten before they’re ever really remembered.

All of the signpost emotions of her youth are hidden under the years of being without, instead becoming a neon blur streaming past unintelligible to the naked eye, unrecognizable to the armored heart.

Was that jealousy? Was that spark of annoyance, that shard of threat, indicative of a rival? And if so, what to do?

Nothing.

There is nothing she can do. To do anything, to react in any way, would draw a spotlight to something in the shadows, where it needs to lurk, live until it grows into something viable, worthy of light, reliable.

Is this fear? Fear of being discovered to be not as above-it-all as she’s portrayed herself to be, or is it the thought of her total humiliation at being rejected that terrifies her.

And her path, recently so safe, secure, suddenly a tightrope, a perilous act of balance and skill and daring executed with aplomb, indifference. She must make it look easy when it is anything but.

She cannot even allow that she wants, because wanting is admitting to needing and needing is not permitted. It’s too late! She waited too long. It is over. And yet…

What is stopping her? What is truly stopping her from opening privately, just within herself, to the possibility?

Pride, is that all? Is she really denying herself what might be her very last chance because she’s too proud? So what if her spring is a distant memory? So what if the trail of broken hearts is just one heart, broken over and over again? So what?

And so what if it’s just a dream, a dream she hasn’t dared to dream for a very, very long time? So what?

We’re never too old to dream, are we?

Can she find the courage to hope again? And if she can hope, maybe she can dream, and if she can dream…risk?

It won’t be easy balancing fear and pride and hope, and nonchalance. Can she do it? Can she?

(Can I?)




AN: Concrit welcome—always. Thank you.

Comments

[bleodswean]

*thunk*

Oh, M. This is so....honest. So utterly REAL. It's identifiable and raw and has an amazing trick and twist at the center of it - writing about hidden things in the most revealing way!

That final line!!!

[murielle]

You know how sometimes you write something and you think that's it, I went too far this time? Ummm, that's me today.

Thank you. Thank you for always getting where I am trying to go, even when the way is unclear to me.

*Hugs*

[static_abyss]

Oh, I love this. You really for across that trepidation and the insecurity. I am glad you managed to get something in on time.

[murielle]

Thank you! I think this is my scariest entry ever, so thank you so, so much.

[adoptedwriter]

A “zinger” at the end! Wow! Powerful!

[murielle]

Thank you! Thank you SO much! :-)

[tonithegreat]

This is powerful! You seem to be tapping into rawer stuff this season and it is good! I almost wrote a personal piece for this topic, and I feel like you touched on a lot of the angles that I was interested in with this, about the prison of nonchalance. As much as I hate stereotyping as to gender, I feel like there are particularly feminine woes associated with the sprezzatura and you captured some of that beautifully here.

[murielle]

Thank you SO, SO very much! I can't recall having so much anxiety about something I've written for Idol. It's bizarre! But your words have eased my crazies. Thank you!

I think you are so right about the feminine angle here. I don't see it as stareotyping, rather being aware of gender specific sensitivities. I would very much have enjoyed reading what you were thinking about writing, but then I always enjoy your work. Thank you!

[bsgsix]

I'm glad you ditched the bye. This is raw, real, and relatable, and that last "Can I?" - isn't that always the question? Aren't all of these ALWAYS the questions over which we ponder, time and again?

And I think, as a woman (apologies if this has been discussed or discouraged already; I don't read other comments before leaving mine), there is a vulnerability at the heart of this that... not everyone gets. Because they cannot. Or they don't have to. But perhaps WE do. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

We're never too old to dream, but I think we always question it.

This is wonderful. <3

[murielle]

Thank you so much, hon! I'm just headbangingly anxious about this one. It's pathetic, really.

And yes! As women--can't speak for men--we do tend to "overthink" sometimes.

Your words are so kind-- <3 -- Thank you!

[rayaso]

These were wonderful ruminations! And I loved the kicker at the end. "It hangs like a ghost in the hallway of her heart" was a wonderful phrase. Ageing, vulnerability, and hope provide a wonderful mixture, which you explore so well!

[murielle]

Oh! Thank you so, so much, G! :-)

I'm kinda partial to that phrase myself--thank you for noticing it and commenting on it.

Thank you! You're always so kind!

[sonreir]

Oh, I like this.

One of my friends is in his mid-50s and single (by choice, he says, tho I'm not sure I believe him, for reasons that I won't go into). I wonder a lot if it's a front he's putting up, because he's never had a serious relationship with anyone, and it seems at times that he's given up on it...

You've given me something to think about. Thank you. :)

[murielle]

Thank you so very much!

Covering up our insecurities and vulnerabilities is, I think, a very human thing. But it can become exhausting.

For me, being chronically ill for the past thirty-three years certainly put a spanner in the works. Kind of hard to meet someone when you spend half your life in bed.

I think it's wonderful that you're concerned for your friend.

Thank you so much!

[dmousey]

Yes! You can. Because you ARE strong and brave. Sometimes the worry about whether or not to jump is worse than taking the chance!

You may have everything to gain. 🐭🐀😊💜✌

[murielle]

*Hugs*

Thank you SO, SO much, hon!

*More Hugs*

[the_eternal_overthinker]

I am really glad you didn't take that bye..because this is AWESOME! Trust me. The questions helped, it made me introspect and we all have be guilty of hiding behind a mask for some reason or the other. This spoke to me on a very personal level. Amazing writing! Loved it. Kudos!

[murielle]

Wow! Thank you SO much! I'm blown away by your kind, kind words. Thank you!

I think a huge part of my trepidation about this entry was because I made myself vulnerable in a way I never have before, and I scared myself. And you're right about the mask! Boy, just letting it slip for a little bit can have us shaking in our shoes. Well, me anyway. :-)

Wow, again--Thank you!

[thephantomq]

<3 You totally can.

This was beautiful. :)

[murielle]

Thank you SO much! For the kind words and encouragement, can't tell how much I appreciate them. :-) Thank you!

[halfshellvenus]

It hangs like a ghost in the hallway of her heart.
Oh, I loved this line. LOVED it.

Not just because the language is beautiful, but because I have known it-- felt it.

And all of those fears, as well, of admitting, of becoming vulnerable, of wanting and needing (and there is always a price), and yet knowing that it could be worth it, all of it, for the right person.

Beautifully done! And I would always say, better late than never. :)

[murielle]

Thank you SO much!

I love that line too! Sometimes I just can't believe what come out of me.

As, thank you for the kind,kind words, and the "better late than never" vote of confidence--at least it gives me confidence!

*Hugs*

[megatronix]

Murielle, my goodness. This is amazing. So much of it is so relatable on some level, because it's just ambiguous enough that it can apply to so many different things.

Like this:
Was that jealousy? Was that spark of annoyance, that shard of threat, indicative of a rival? And if so, what to do?

Could relate to love, or friendship, or job stuff, or just looking at peoples' social media photos and wondering about our own levels of enough-ness.

Fear of being discovered to be not as above-it-all as she’s portrayed herself to be
I bet a LOT of people relate to that part! I know I do.

So what if her spring is a distant memory? So what if the trail of broken hearts is just one heart, broken over and over again?

Aaaaaah! That is SO GOOD! I love the words you chose for that.

I love the "close to the vest" line and the "hallway of her heart" line too.

And I LOVE that the gentle repetition throughout comes again towards the end, all of it building to that last line. I love all the questions rather than statements. I love how you shift from third to first person in the very last line, too.

I'm so happy you shared this. It's incredibly real, and beautifully done.

[murielle]

Thank you! Thank you SO much! (Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Been sleeping a lot!)

Thank you for enjoying some of my favorite bits.

I'm overwhelmed! And so touched. Thank you, my friend.

[megatronix]

No worries at all! I think sleep is a wonderful thing. :) And you're quite welcome!

[murielle]

I'm so far behind...sorry. Yeah, relapses are...what they are. Should be used to it by now. Lol!

*Hugs*

[bellatrixe]

This was a really raw and heartfelt read. And that last line!

As always, I loved this. Your entries are always so moving and capture emotions so beautifully. <3

[murielle]

Thank you! (Sorry I am so late responding--life!) Wow! Thank you! I'm so touched by your kindness. Thank you!

[reidharriscooper]

You can. You will because you can.

[murielle]

Thank you! :-)