![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
murielle
AZAZEL
His arm was asleep. He needed to take a leak. The alarm would go off in less than an hour and still he held her.
She’d awakened screaming just after one and he’d taken her in his arms and sung softly to her until her sobbs subsided and she slipped into a fitful slumber about an hour later. For almost three hours he’d held her trying not to hate the people who had done this to her. Trying to remember they were sick, damaged, twisted people who probably didn’t even realize what they were doing while they were doing it. And he knew if confronted, they’d deny it, find a way to turn the tables and make her the villain. Lie, gaslight, alter the truth until they were her victims, and it was all her fault. Because that was the family law, it was all her fault, it was always all her fault.
Things were getting better. She had a great therapist who was gentle and truthful and understood why she never felt good enough, strong enough, right enough, or had enough self-confidence to do the simple things others took for granted. Had understood, even before she’d talked much about her childhood.
He remembered the day she’d returned from a session and asked him, “what’s a scapegoat?”
“You know what a scapegoat is. Everyone knows what a scapegoat is.”
“I know what the word means, someone who gets blamed. Right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“But what is it? Where did it come from?”
“Oh. Okay. Well, as far as I know, it’s from the Bible. Leviticus, or Deuteronomy, I think. It’s part of the ritual of Atonement, Yom Kippur. Two goats are taken to the priest and he casts lots and one is sacrificed as an offering and the other has all the sins of the community laid on him and then is led out into the desert and released.”
“Aw, poor goat. All alone in the desert.”
“Yup.”
“Poor little guy, or girl.”
“Guy. A male of a certain age, generally unblemished. Well, for most of the sacrifices.”
“That’s so sad!”
“For the goat, yes. For the sinners, not so much.”
“Huh?”
“Well, the sins are atoned for with the goat that dies, and cast away with the scapegoat. In other words, the sinners are now free from the responsibility of their guilt and shame. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, just something Dr. Shepherd said this afternoon.”
“What?”
“She said I was the family scapegoat.”
He gave her ass a slap. “Cutest goat I ever saw!”
She giggled. A real go-ahead giggle if he’d ever heard one.
Later she asked, “do you think that’s true?”
“What?”
“That I’m the family scapegoat.”
“Yes. I do.”
“Does it make me a bad person?”
“No! Not at all. It doesn’t recommend your family much, though.”
“But they’re all so successful and smart. They’re all winners and I’m the only loser in the family.”
“Loser! You’re not a loser. Look at the fine man you got yourself. Do you think a fantastic man like me would have paid any attention to a loser?”
“Oh you!” She pushed him away with one hand and pulled him close with the other.
“Yeah, me.”
The nightmares had started not long after that conversation.
There had been nightmares before, but not like these ones. She could never tell him what they were about, though once or twice she muttered something about the desert, but they left her soaked in sweat, trembling all over, and unable to get back to sleep without whatever he could do to make her feel safe.
So, he held her long after his body began protesting. And he sang until his voice gave out and his song-list dried up. And then he’d ease himself out from under her, turning the alarm off and making sure she was comfy-cozy, cocooned under all the blankets.
He put the coffee on, and got ready for work.
“You’re up already?”
“Yup.”
“Did you sleep okay?”
“Okay enough. You?”
“Yeah. How did I end up on your side of the bed?”
“How do you ever end up on my side of the bed?
“Oh you!” She giggled that go-ahead giggle.
“Woman, I barely have the energy to blink.”
“Then,” she said, taking his hand, “don’t blink.”
no subject
no subject
I really enjoy writing about these two.
no subject
no subject
I'm so glad it resonated with you. That means the world to me. Thank you! <3 <3 <3
no subject
no subject
Thank you! <3
Thank you so very much. I think I've grown overly fond of them. :-)
no subject
Dan
no subject
She is, isn't she?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
I'm getting too attached to this couple. ❤
no subject
I've known people in this woman's position. It's such an unfair thing to do to anyone. :(
no subject
Thank you, K! ❤
no subject
no subject
I hope so too. I hope everyone who has ever been out through this finds release.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and understanding. ❤❤❤
no subject
no subject
Sadly, some never learn how to get away from the pain, or how to trust.
Thank you so much. ❤❤❤
no subject
no subject
Thank you! ❤❤❤
no subject
no subject
no subject
I've been there too, where I can follow a logic train right up until it contradicts something I've internalized as a deep belief (usually about myself) and I shut down and think "Well, sure, but not for ME."
no subject
When you've had it drilled into you from early childhood that you are what's wrong and everything is your fault, it's hard to shake those beliefs. Recovery from this kind of abuse takes a long time.
Thank you again for your very kind words. <3
no subject
no subject
no subject
I really enjoyed your entry :)
no subject