Yesterday was a Very Sad Day

[murielle]

Monday evening our Pastor phoned me from out of town, he was visiting another congregation in his flock, but took the time to let me know that my dear friend Guenter was not doing well, in fact was declining fast. Having just gone through this with Marjie my mind went into overdrive. How could I get over to see him before it was too late. That's what happened with Marjie. I didn't. And I regret it so much. So I called another friend from church and he and his wife came through for me big time. They live out of town, Guenter lived all the way across town from me. Let me just say that this good, good man went way out of his way to help me get to Guenter one last time. E had visited Guenter the week before and tried to prepare me for what I would see, but how could he. The last time, he'd been himself and it had been months ago. Frail, yes, slow, yes, but full of smiles and laughs and doling out gifts to this one and that one. He was himself, though diminished. I tried to prepare myself.

At the door we met other friends from church who were visiting him as well.

We couldn't get to see him because the nurses needed to take care of him, so we all waited for about half an hour before we went into his room. I was no prepared to see my friend actively dying. There was some talk about three or four days, but one of the other ladies and one of the other nurses and I were in agreement that it would be a miracle if he lasted the night. The great engine of death had started and there is no reverse.

I reached out and gently touched his shoulder, he seemed to rouse, and I say, Hello dear, I'm hear. He seemed even more alert for a few seconds when his other friend H spoke to him and touched him. But it soon became apparent that he was not going to waken up. We stood for about half an hour and then we left, thanking the nurses for taking such good care of our friend.

Several times I was overcome with profound sadness and as is my way, kind of shut down. I get very quiet when I'm hurting, sad, or sick. My one regret is that I didn't stay with him. I could have found my way home. I wish I'd had the courage to just stay with him so he didn't die alone. He died about two, maybe three hours after we left. I wish I'd stayed.

I can't sleep tonight. I just keep thinking of all he brought to my life and how much I miss him.

Just took a sleeping pill. I'm so tired I can't see in front of me.

Time to say goodnight and hope for sleep.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

I am so very sorry re your friend! Hugs...

[murielle]

Thank you so much. Thank you.

[robinsnest]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure knew and appreciated you were there.

[murielle]

Thank you. I hope so. Thank you.

[bsgsix]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of a dear friend, and to hear your sadness. Your presence there was a blessing, I am certain of it. It's hard to watch someone whom you love pass. You didn't need to stay. You were there. You showed up. And just knowing there was love - as a person who has been near death many times, and as a person who has watched others die, I can truly say that YOU did the most amazing thing you could have done. You were there. You let the nurses do their job. You thanked them. Carry his kindness and theirs and add it to your own extraordinary kindness.

Why? You are a good person with a kind heart. I hope you can rest today. I'll be thinking about you. <3

[murielle]

Thank you so much! Today I'm mostly sleeping and remembering and sleeping. Thank you.

[bleodswean]

Oh, M! *hugs* I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm so glad you were able to get over to see him and say goodbye. That's important.

Take care of yourself.

[murielle]

Thank you so much, E. I'm starting to get my sea-legs back. The last couple of days have been...well, sad. I wish I'd stayed with him. I expect I'll always wish that. Just at it to the hanger-sized storeroom of regrets I already have, and life goes on.

Thanks again. *HUgs*

[megatronix]

Oh sweet Murielle, I'm so terribly sorry to hear this. It's very difficult when loved ones die. I shut down when I'm sad and hurting too, just get really quiet. I totally understand that. I'm sorry you have regrets about it. That's a tough feeling, too. I have regrets about similar things. Death does that to us, I think! And us writing types of folks are way too good with imagination, so I think that makes our "what ifs" a lot more vivid than non-writer people. That's my theory anyway. Anyway, I send you lots of love, and hope the acute pain has settled into something more manageable, and I wish you lots of peace as you grieve. We're here for you, to listen, if you find yourself wanting to write about it more. <3 *hugs*

[murielle]

(((Hugs)))

Thank you so much. I was in touch with his daughter today, that helps.

(((Hugs)))